OK gals it's time for some men put downs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?

Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?

Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

This ought to fan the flames!!!

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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will

never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass more gas than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your

gonna to want too shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling

at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you

can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%...Wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week in took four state

troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About five drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten in four days." She looked at him and said,

"God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man

doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Webman, I tried to send you something(s) this morning, but they returned to me. Guess I'll try the arbley address, though I thought that was the one I sent it to. If at first you don't succeed....

What do you have when you have a lawyer stuck in shit up to his neck? Not enough shit.

Why don't sharks bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.

How do you tell the difference between lawyers in a Corvette and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Men are like bananas...the older they are the less firm they become.

Men are like vacations...they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like coffee...the best ones are warm, rich and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like lava lamps...fun to look at but not very bright.

Did I do good Kitty?

outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of

Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a

week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that

building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you

got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,

nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another

woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the

stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it

tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going

to......to....cut it off are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye,said, "Nope. You are. I'm going

to set the garage on fire!"

Tailspin, you did great!

Torggy, who's there?

Off to class, folks......

Be safe everyone.

On the homefront, my son called from town last night around 7 and told me to fill up my tank, now. The lines at our single gas station in town were about 15 cars deep in both directions. My neighbor and I high-tailed it to a little Mom and Pop station 15 minutes away-no lines, $1.79/gallon. By the time we filled up, it was 4 cars deep. I feel guilty & stupid for participating in what appears to be a gas panic.

Torggy and Skipper, you hit the nail on the head. I just heard something on tv this morning about drilling in the Great Lakes- what timing for bringing this up again. We've got plenty of oil in Alaska and in the Gulf of Mexico, lets drill there (where it's already being drilled), where we won't risk harm to our greatest resource, fresh water. But first, lets get these sob's for what they've done to precious human life!!

As the dust begins to settle on this tragic series of events, I am humbled by the countless humanitarian efforts that are starting to be reported. I am also humbled by the fact that the value of human life is a very precious thing. I hate that it takes a tragedy like this to remind me of it.

I hope all are coping with our nation's tragedy..I seem to feel guilty because I did wake up this morning, and my routine was pretty much the same. I went to work, I came home (I almost ran out of gas ... I am one stubborn norwegian ....to a fault; I would have run out of gas and walked before I paid or stayed in line.....oh, I'd have REALLY been a happy camper if that had been the case, right? yah, right.); I turned on the t.v. - and there it still was - it didn't go away. Realty. Sux sometimes, ya know?

I will now spend Friday and Saturday at football games - high school and college. I cannot express deeply enough the feeling that I don't want to be there and I don't think anybody else should be either. The rationales are that games will be a) theraputic and b) proof that we won't give in to terrorists. What bullshit. The NFL played games after JFK's death and to this day, the league is condemned for doing it. Given the way it still ripples through our country 38 years later, I can't believe anyone would consider a football game "theraputic".

As for the terriorist argument, I would suggest that this is not the time to concerned with what they "think." We should be thinking, about the dead still buried in the rubble, about where we are headed as a country in the days ahead. That is what we should be thinking about this weekend, and I'll guarantee you, no one will do it at a football game, no matter how many moments of silence there are.

I spent a lot of time hoping our leaders approach the days and weeks ahead with wisdom and patience. I fear that will be very difficult to do. God help them. God help them all.