| Author |
Message |
    
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 11:47 am: | 
|
Being Retired
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. I went to the store the other day.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having worn tires.
So I called him a piece of horse *)$#. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a darn.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age. |
twoz
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 12:08 pm: |
|
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. |
Torggy
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 12:15 pm: |
|
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help, and with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, by time the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
So she almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. But she managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time onto the right
feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
So, once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. They had no sooner gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to, again, wrestle the boots onto his little feet.
When they had finally finished, and she was helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 12:38 pm: |
|
Good one Torggy, That is very close to being beleavable. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 12:41 pm: |
|
believable, I can spell, just not type. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - 09:25 am: |
|
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd
looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car,
whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he
surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite
navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and
an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he
prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is
correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young
man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the
shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will
you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.
Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct,"
says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here
although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my
business. Now give me back my dog." |
Torggy
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - 10:24 am: |
|
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Thursday, November 25, 2004 - 06:06 pm: |
|
Great Bits of Wisdom for Our Time
(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal
(2) "The problem with the designated driver program? It's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night drop them off at the wrong house."
Jeff Foxworthy
(3) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
Dave Barry
(4) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Bob Ettinger
(5) "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
Paula Poundstone
(6) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would'vethought of that!'"
Dave Barry
(7) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
George Carlin
(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: duh."
Conan O'Brien
(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'Oh my goodness... I could be eating a slow learner.'"
Lynda Montgomery
(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne
(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
Richard Jeni
(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld
(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
Warren Hutcherson
(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West
(18) "Suppose you were an idiot... and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Mark Twain
(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
A. Whitney Brown
(20) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown
(21) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin," and "Keep away from children."
(22) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
Jerry Connelly |
BUH
| | Posted on Friday, November 26, 2004 - 12:03 pm: |
|
Did you hear about what happened at Denos last night? The P.D. was called to the house and when they got there, Deno was stnding over his spouse with a golf club in his hand. When the officer asked what had happened Deno replied that his wife had just come home from a meeting, but while at the meeting she didn`t do any of the things that he`d told her to do. Then before he knew it he`d taken 7 or 8 shots then Deno thought about what he had just said . On second thoght you can put me down for a 4 . |
strwblue
| | Posted on Friday, November 26, 2004 - 01:51 pm: |
|
HMMM...Domestic Violence Humor....Let me think NOT FUNNY |
zzzzzzz
| | Posted on Friday, November 26, 2004 - 04:18 pm: |
|
I think that the joke was meant to show how creative Deno can be with a score card. |
Torggy
| | Posted on Friday, November 26, 2004 - 05:13 pm: |
|
I agree with strwblue.
What started as some fun jokes has degenerated to personal attacks. Sad really sad.
Might help us to read a story a friend sent me sometime ago:
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck
refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh! That's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't
belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the
tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
"In God We Trust"
Hope every one had a great turkey day! |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Saturday, November 27, 2004 - 05:27 pm: |
|
Okay folks, let's get back to some serious humor. (I think that is an oxymoron)
George Carlin's Quotes on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life� you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony� YOU BECOME 21� YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50� and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 - 03:35 pm: |
|
Legal Observations
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips. |
Torggy
| | Posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 - 08:01 pm: |
|
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
WAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS. |
homeontherange\
| | Posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 - 08:06 pm: |
|
Fat chance! |
HOHOHO!
| | Posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 - 10:42 pm: |
|
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
>
> "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven".
>
> The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
> "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
>
> The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
> Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".
>
> The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
> St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
> The man replied, "They're Carols".
>
> |
humorous
| | Posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 - 10:50 pm: |
|
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they
rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it." |
Torggy
| | Posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 - 11:09 pm: |
|
Toivo goes to the post office to buy stamps for his Christmas cards.
he says to the clerk,
"May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says,
"What denomination?"
Toivo says,
"God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 8 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 14 Methodist." |
Mother
| | Posted on Monday, November 29, 2004 - 09:39 pm: |
|
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 30, 2004 - 04:23 pm: |
|
Senior Personal Ads
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida Newspapers. Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80s slim, 5'-4"(used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or even a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. |
Torggy
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 30, 2004 - 11:50 pm: |
|
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
He asks her why they do not eat almonds themselves.
Whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady answers:
"We just love the chocolate around them." |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 01, 2004 - 04:39 pm: |
|
Classics!
Responses from the Original
Hollywood Squares TV Show
Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.
* * *
Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out
directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
* * *
Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as
you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
* * *
Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by
the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
* * *
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that
other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend
the cookies!
* * *
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
* * *
Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000
years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
* * *
Peter Marshall: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
* * *
Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually
wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
* * *
Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are
only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
* * *
Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would
you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the
dark.
* * *
Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything
wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
* * *
Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts
shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
* * *
Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Goebel: Get it in his mouth.
* * *
Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret
would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to
wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.
* * *
Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley
Winters star in the movie "What's the Matter With Helen?" Who plays
Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the
question.
* * *
Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
* * *
Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.
* * *
Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you
should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
* * *
Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are
you a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
* * *
Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to
cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Thursday, December 02, 2004 - 04:44 pm: |
|
A Little Knowledge Can Be a Dangerous Thing...
The following questions and answers were collated from last
year's British GCSE exams, i.e., 16-year-olds!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow toward the moon, because there is no water on the
moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well
endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A.]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised (e.g.,
abdomen)?
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the
borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does varicose mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic
feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand
its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. [do dishes]
Q: What does the word benign mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on their heads. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Friday, December 03, 2004 - 06:03 pm: |
|
For all you golfers out there.
Top 10 Best Golf Caddy Remarks
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
No. 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
No. 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
No. 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
No. 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."
No. 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch-it's a compass."
No. 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
No. 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
No. 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
... and the No.1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." |
Mother
| | Posted on Saturday, December 04, 2004 - 05:45 am: |
|
A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man
approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket. He opened his trench coat and
flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub." |
Torggy
| | Posted on Sunday, December 05, 2004 - 12:13 am: |
|
Napa Valley grape growers that produce Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and reduces the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will market the new wine as Pinot Mor. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Sunday, December 05, 2004 - 06:41 am: |
|
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is sexually transmitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who
said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get the last word in: Apologize.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble
down the stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists
-- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired
visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all
over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. |
sucker
| | Posted on Monday, December 06, 2004 - 01:04 pm: |
|
When posting on this board, I never fail to heed this good advice-
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference between you. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Monday, December 06, 2004 - 05:48 pm: |
|
World History According to College Students
I thought you might be interested in a few highlights from the new book, "Non Campus Mentis: World History According to College Students". Enjoy!
"History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Thus we should try to view historical times as the behind of the present. This gives incite into the anals of the past."
"Civilization woozed out of the Nile abo ut 300,000 years ago.The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land. This tended to make the people nervous."
"Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named 'Yahoo'."
"Noah's ark came to it's end near Mt. Arafat."
"These pre-Socratics lived long before Plato and were not decisively influenced by his work."
"Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans."
"Socrates was accused of sophmorism and sentenced to die of hemroyds."
"Cesar inspired his men by stating, 'I came, I saw, I went'. When he was assinated, he is reported to have said, 'Me too, Brutus!'"
"Eventually Christian started the new religion with sayings like, 'The mice shall inherit the earth'. Later Christians fortunately abandoned this idea."
"Romans persacuted Christians by lionizing them in public stadiums."
"Without the discovery of the flying buttock it would have been an impossible job to build the Gothic cathedral."
(Regarding the Black Plague): "Death rates exceeded 100% in some towns."
"This was a time of stunned growth. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy."
"Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. They enriched themselves by planting wool and selling it for clothing. They increased these profets by paying interest to people who borrowed money from them. This produced even more grits for the mills of change."
"Hitler, who had become depressed for some reason, crawled under Berlin. Here he had his wife Evita put to sleep, and then shot himself in the bonker."
"The Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg, where they hoped to find Musalini."
"Stalin, Rosevelt, Churchill, and Truman were known as the 'big three'."
"Unfortunately the Second World War was not concluded until 1957. A whole generation had been wiped out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces."
"The Civil Rights movement in the USA turned around the corner with Martin Luther Junior's famous 'If I Had a Hammer' speech."
"The East and West made mends with each other. The Berlin Mall was removed. Many Eastern Europeans experienced a new form of arousal at this time."
"It is now the age of now. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt." |
Torggy
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 07, 2004 - 09:20 am: |
|
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seattle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 07, 2004 - 05:29 pm: |
|
Is This News Fit to Print?
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and
arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious
underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to
the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened
up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the
dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department
and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped
to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly
onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden
camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave
the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the
hapless husband.
(scroll down)
DRUM ROLL
(PAUSE)
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline
declared:
[You're going to hate me for this]:
ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY |
onlooker
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 08, 2004 - 07:49 am: |
|
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
*************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art.It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
*************************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got
a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
*************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,
"Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis." |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 08, 2004 - 04:15 pm: |
|
Get out the Funk and Wagnalls
Change each of the statements below into a well-known proverb:
1. Precipitancy creates prodigality.
2. Tenants of vitreous abodes ought to hurl no lithophilous fragments.
.
3. It is not proper for mendicants to be indicative of preferences.
4. Compute not your immature gallinaceans prior to their being produced.
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose because of scattered lacteal
fluid.
.
6. Cleave gramineous matter for fodder during the period that the orb of
the day is refulgent.
7. Pulchritude does not extend below the surface of the derma.
8. Failure to be present causes the vital organ to become more enamored.
9. Freedom from guile or fraud constitutes the most excellent principle
of procedure.
10. Consolidated, you and I maintain ourselves erect; separated, we
defer to the law of gravity.
11. You cannot estimate the value of the contents of a bound, printed
narrative of record from its exterior vesture.
12. Folks deficient in ordinary judgment scurryingly enter areas on
which celestial beings dread to set foot.
.
13. Liquid relish for the female anserine fowl is the individual
condiment for the male.
14. A feathered creature clasped in the manual members is equal in value
to a brace in the bosky growth.
.
15. The individual of the class Aves, arriving before the appointed
time, seizes the invertebrate animal of the group vermi.
16. One pyrus malus per diem restrains the arrival of the Hippocratic
apostle.
17. Be adorned with the pedal encasement that gives comfort and
protection from earth's surface.
18. Fondness for notes of exchange constitutes the tuberous structure of
all Satanically inspired principles.
19. Every article which coruscates is not fashioned from aureate metal.
20. A rotating lithohidal fragment never accrues lichen. |
Torggy
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 08, 2004 - 07:15 pm: |
|
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally got married. Before long, they had a little sweet potato, which they named "Yam". Naturally, they wanted the best for her.
When it was time, they told Yam about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato", and unexpectedly end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
On the other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France, called the French Fries.
When she went out west, they warned her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam promised she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say "Frito Lay".
When she got a little older, Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
In spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
"Tom Brokaw!?" Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just ....
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
.... a common tater. |
onlooker
| | Posted on Thursday, December 09, 2004 - 07:26 am: |
|
Useful Lexicon ....
1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory
2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
Not very generous
3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
All talk and no action
4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
6. IT'S SO DRY OUT HERE THE TREES BEEN BRIBIN' THE DOGS.
We really could use a little rain around here.
7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DON'T MEAN IT CAN FLY
Appearances can be deceptive.
8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
I've been around awhile.
9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOGS BEEN KEEPIN' HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
Not the most handsome of men.
10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID GRACE.
Living in sin.
11.WE'RE IN TALL COTTON.
Things are going well
12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATING HORSE.
Rather prone to boasting.
13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DON'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is. |
onlooker
| | Posted on Thursday, December 09, 2004 - 07:29 am: |
|
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting
board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food
poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw
sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a
pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured
up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high
top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any
injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we
are now.
Flunking gym was not an option...even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be
much harder than gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls
with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot.
How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the
school system. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and
staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We
must have had horribly damaged psyches.
I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or
condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us
a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles.
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed
to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without
computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.
I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial
of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a
mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and
pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone
Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot.
He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the
property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that
bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction
sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of
Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the
emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and
then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly
vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got
our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too ... and then we got butt spanked
again when we got home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down
the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember
why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the
rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that
I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week
vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in
when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that
mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic
blade-stop or an auto-drive.
How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on
the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she
could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for
being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were
from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed
to get into group therapy and anger management classes?
Ah, the good old days................. |
webman
| | Posted on Thursday, December 09, 2004 - 08:25 am: |
|
Here's a nice shot of Skipper getting the grill set up.
Thanks for sharing this one Skip! |
Skipper
| | Posted on Thursday, December 09, 2004 - 03:04 pm: |
|
Actually our friend Drifter sent it to me, I believe he is preparing for Thanksgiving dinner... |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Thursday, December 09, 2004 - 04:02 pm: |
|
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Friday, December 10, 2004 - 06:48 pm: |
|
Top Bumper Stickers Seen Around the World
If At First You Don't Succeed� Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
Horn Broken� Watch For Finger
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
I Have The Body Of A God� Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians�So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over� [Seen upside down on a Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution�Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist�Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks� God's Revenge For Eating His Cute Little Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It� Wanted It� Had A Fit� Got It!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
Grow Your Own Dope�Plant a Man
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 06:39 pm: |
|
It's All in The Attitude
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day 180
8:00 am�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am�OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am�OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am�OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon�OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm�OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm�OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm�OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day 181
8:00 am�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am�OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am�OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am�OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon�OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm�OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm�OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm�OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day 182
8:00 am�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am�OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am�OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am�OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon�OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm�OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm�OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 pm�OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm�OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm�OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 184
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair� must try this on their bed.
DAY 185
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was� Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 186
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 187
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 188
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Sunday, December 12, 2004 - 05:43 pm: |
|
Observations on Life
Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough.
I live in my own little world,
but it's ok, they know me here.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Home is where you can say anything you like
'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess' on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
When you stop believing in Santa Claus
is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Dyslexia means...never having to say that you're "yrros".
Regular naps prevent old age...
especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
you might as well keep the first one.
Travel is very educational.
I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.
That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was "assalted"
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is
winning."
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
"How come we choose from just two people for president
and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is...
depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. (Not all of us!!)
I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
K E E P S M I L I N G ! |
onlooker
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 07:31 am: |
|
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. ! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." |
onlooker
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 07:35 am: |
|
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another,
And soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But, Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I registered to vote Democrat |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 05:33 pm: |
|
Some tasteful ammunition for some of the forums...
Ultimate slams
"Nothing has more retarded the advancement of learning than the disposition of vulgar minds to ridicule and vilify what they cannot comprehend. - Samuel Johnson: Rambler
"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." - Louis Nizer (1902 - 1994) English lawyer
"Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathon Swift
"What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement." - Fred Allen
"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner." - Aristophanes
"The Gods too are fond of a joke." - Aristotle
"She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered." - James Matthew Barrie
"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?" - Milton Berle
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." � Winston Churchill
"Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason." - Winston Churchill
"I may be drunk madame, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will be just as ugly." - Winston Churchill (when asked if he was drunk)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people." - Robertson Davies
"He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong." - Benjamin Disraeli
"He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met." - William Faulkner
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul." - David Lloyd George
"He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty." - Thomas P. Gore
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write." - A.E. Housman
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." � Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
"God was bored by him." - Victor Hugo
"He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off." - Lyndon Baines Johnson (about Gerald Ford)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"Her only flair is in her nostrils." - Pauline Kael
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." � Jack E. Leonard
"I wish I'd known you when you were alive." - Leonard Louis Levinson
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea." - William McAdoo (about Warren Harding)
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." - Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho Marx
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Groucho Marx
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." � Groucho Marx
"Don't be humble...you're not that great." - Golda Meir
"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." - H. H. Munro
"It has been the political career of this man to begin with hypocrisy, proceed with arrogance, and finish with contempt." - Thomas Paine (about John Adams)
"A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead." - Alexander Pope
"A cherub's face, a reptile all the rest." - Alexanger Pope
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one." - Earl of Rochester
"He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair." - Theodore Roosevelt
"A little emasculated mass of inanity." - Theodore Roosevelt (about Henry James)
"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young." � Jim Samuels
"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech." - George Bernard Shaw
"A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it." - George Bernard Shaw
"Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other." - Neil Simon
"I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion." � Robert Louis Stevenson
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He was as great as a man can be without morality." - Alexis de Tocqueville
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere." - Mark Twain
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." - Mark Twain
"Had double chins all the way down to his stomach." - Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." - Oscar Wilde
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." � Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow." - Franklin K. Dane
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits." - Edith Sitwell |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 04:48 pm: |
|
Oreo Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people
eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose
which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos.
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each
bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee... ).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
Remeber which number describes how you eat Oreo's, and tomorrow, I will analyze you. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Sunday, December 19, 2004 - 03:48 pm: |
|
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon,
you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of
recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you
with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4
billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like
them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're
normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy
and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with everything you
do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay
out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your
work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never
enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your
family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Everyone likes you because you are always upbeat. You
like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations
into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a
life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a
highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to
find out how they work, although you are not always able to put them
back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You
deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar
and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are
good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and
throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings
for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't
care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small
furry animals and seek professional medical help-immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You
probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go
to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things
you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be
pampered. You are a prim. |
Torggy
| | Posted on Monday, December 20, 2004 - 12:33 am: |
|
Test your brain.
Take this quiz and dust out the cranial corners.
Scoring at end.
1. Name the Beatles.
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears,
______ _____!"
3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ ______ _____ _____.
4. What do M&M's do? ___ ___ ___ ___, ____ ____ ____ ____
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?______ _______.
6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as
_______ ______.
7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____
____ ____ _____ _____ _____."
8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the
Skipper's "little buddy."
But we know that Bob Denver is actually
Dobie's closest friend, ______ G. _______.
9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____
_____ _____ _____!
10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ _____."
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone
_____ _____.
12. >From the early days of our music, real rock 'n
roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder,
wonder...wonder who;
____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?"
13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____."
14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman
fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and
_____ ____ _____.
15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and
became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of
the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television
commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ _______.
16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the
sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ _____ ____
___ ____ ______. I'm Popeye the sailor man."
17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan
was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always
remember when Peter was played by ______ _______.
18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman
played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison
camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe
cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to
escape, the camp commander (played by Strother
Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and
explained, "What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."
19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the
press after losing a race for governor while announcing
his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't
have____ ____ to kick around anymore."
20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him
arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda'
broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And
everybody knew you didn't give no lip, _____ _____ ,
_____ _____ _____."
21. "I found my thrill, _____ _____ _____."
22. ________ ________ said, "Good night, Mrs.
Calabash, _____ _____ _____."
23. "Good night, David." "_____ ______,______."
24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____."
25. "When it's least expected, you're elected.
You're the star today. _______! _____ ______ ______
______."
26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who
said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ___ ____."
ANSWERS:
1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2. Oh, my
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Krebbs
9. Why? Because we like you.
10. A little dab'll do ya.
11. over 30
12. who wrote the book of love
13. Absolutely nothin'
14. the American way
15. Joe Namath
16. "cause I eats me spinach"
17. Mary Martin
18. is a failure to communicate
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John
21. On Blueberry Hill
22. Wherever you are.
23. Good night, Chet.
24. pants on fire
25. you're on Candid Camera
26. he is us
SCORING:
24-26 correct - 50+ years old
20-23 correct - 40's
15-19 correct - 30's
10-14 correct - 20's
0- 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude? |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Monday, December 20, 2004 - 10:09 pm: |
|
Because, I had so many correct answers, I prefer to think of myself as a intellectual, educated, and seasoned. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Monday, December 20, 2004 - 10:11 pm: |
|
Teacher Arrested
At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There
are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes." |
Goldy
| | Posted on Monday, December 20, 2004 - 10:30 pm: |
|
No finer movie than "Cool Hand Luke"... |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 04:47 pm: |
|
Actual Entries from Qantas Maintenance Logs
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews.
From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Friday, December 24, 2004 - 06:09 pm: |
|
Merry Christmas Everyone!
http://www.christmas-tree.com/stories/nightbeforechristmas.html |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Sunday, January 02, 2005 - 06:32 pm: |
|
Questions to Ponder
If you have THE answer to any of these thought provoking questions,
please share them with those of us who are less enlightened. Thank you
for your assistance.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Stop singing and read on...
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? |
Mother
| | Posted on Monday, January 03, 2005 - 08:31 pm: |
|
Do you know why the Minnesota Vikings play in a dome?
God doesn't want to watch them play either!
Do you know what a salvaged car and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?
No Title!
Out of all the rooms in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, which is the smallest?
The Trophy Room!
What's the difference between Randy Moss and a dollar bill?
You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill! |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Monday, January 03, 2005 - 10:33 pm: |
|
Tips for Northerners Moving to the South
1. Save All Manner of Bacon Grease: You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean the natives can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern- influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral, remember, Southerners stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
8. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southern divorces have a lot in common. Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In Southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor." You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a vehicle known as a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for such a vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 04, 2005 - 06:09 pm: |
|
Kids Say the Funniest Things
From Prissy Lee
Some elementary school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th Century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
- The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
- A vibration is a motion that can't make up it's mind which way it wants to go.
- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they re there.
- I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important part.
- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it gets big enough to drop, it does.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- It is so hot in some places that people have to live in other places. |
bassman
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 05, 2005 - 06:13 pm: |
|
THE FARMER'S PLEA
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'," asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the....."
"I didn't ask for any details." the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?" |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 05, 2005 - 06:29 pm: |
|
Some more legal humor
Funny Court Statements
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Thursday, January 06, 2005 - 06:49 pm: |
|
Subject: Life in Various States
You live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take
to get there, rather than how many miles.
You live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to
Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you
multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You live in Minnesota when...
1. You only have two spices: salt and pepper.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin'," is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the
day-care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Friday, January 07, 2005 - 05:03 pm: |
|
Subject: Exercise
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. |
PackerPhan
| | Posted on Sunday, January 09, 2005 - 03:00 pm: |
|
Vikings Win! |
Viking Fan
| | Posted on Sunday, January 09, 2005 - 06:39 pm: |
|
Hey cheesehead! Looks like the jokes on you! |
Skipper
| | Posted on Sunday, January 09, 2005 - 06:42 pm: |
|
Congrats Vikes! I'm going to look at old pictures of Vince, this team sucks! |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Monday, January 10, 2005 - 10:35 pm: |
|
Aging Is a Matter of Perspective
Everyone has been guilty of looking at another person of the same age and thinking, "Surely I cannot look that old." I'm sure you've done the same. If so, you may enjoy this story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1957."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
(Ouch) |
h
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 11, 2005 - 06:47 pm: |
|
Aphorisms
1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
fighting
fleeing
feeding
and mating
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness in the New York Times, 1960
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes 43,000 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist there is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
-- Andrew Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers --and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Limerick from Ireland
18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats--approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan attorney
26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce, #019, The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python
29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy
32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
34. Her kisses left something to be desired--the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the president. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman
38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
40. I think the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
-- Charles Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in a programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
-- D. E. Knuth, 1967
43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine (p. 9), the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
44. An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain..
3. Life is antagonistic to the living..
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music..
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning..
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum..
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us..
-- E. L. Doctorow in The Book of Daniel
45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the university will allow me to award."
48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
-- E. Grebenik
49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch
53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, "Peanuts"
54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali
55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
-- Sigmund Freud
56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Mark Twain
58. "Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog |
DHACM
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 05:45 am: |
|
h, That is the best one yet. Thank you. I got my LOL's in for the day. I see my new motto in there somewhere... |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 05:28 pm: |
|
I'm glad you enjoyed it. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 05:31 pm: |
|
The British military writes OFRs (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....
-- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
-- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
-- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
-- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
-- This officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better.
-- I would not breed from this officer.
-- This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
-- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
-- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
-- He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.
-- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
-- This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope:
always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
-- When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
-- This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
-- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
-- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
-- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
-- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 07:38 pm: |
|
Steven Wright (except were noted)
Daily Humor:
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him "Stay." Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.
I have a map of the United States, life size. One mile equals one mile. It's a ***** to fold it.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
-Rod Schmidt
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
-Rod Schmidt
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...the other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. |
DOM
| | Posted on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 09:02 pm: |
|
Two nuns were riding bikes together, one says I've never come this way before, the other says it's the cobblestones! |
onlooker
| | Posted on Friday, January 14, 2005 - 07:47 am: |
|
A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
"A state-of-the-art watch?" the woman asks, intrigued. "What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," the Marine explains.
"What's it telling you now?" asks the woman.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties ..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Marine smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast." |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Friday, January 14, 2005 - 07:22 pm: |
|
Not sure...maybe you have seen these. They make especially good reading for the teachers on the forum.
REAL EXCUSES RECEIVED BY SCHOOLTEACHERS
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around--her father even got hot last night. |
Torggy
| | Posted on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 05:37 pm: |
|
Don't know what to call this. I guess it is kinda funny.
http://www.amasci.com/%7ebillb/cgi-bin/instr/instr.html |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 05:55 am: |
|
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator, and if you do, you will probably soon be wearing one of those extra long sleeve jackets.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, damnit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 07:25 pm: |
|
Yorkshire (UK) police were jolted from their routine of traffic radar when they apparently began clocking a speeder at 300 mph. It proved to be no malfunction as a low-flying Harrier Jet screamed overhead a few seconds later.
When Police officials registered a complaint with the Ministry of Defense about their damaged equpment, the MOD only replied that the damage could have been worse. Much worse.
It seems the Harrier's defense systems had locked onto the radar and had gone into an automatic preemptive strike mode which included locking its missile guidance system onto the radar target, before the pilot decided enemy antiaircraft activity was unlikely along the motorways of northern England..... |
onlooker
| | Posted on Monday, January 17, 2005 - 08:15 am: |
|
Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
> Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
> Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
>
> ***************************************************
>
> A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
> hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
> state of the art.It's perfect."
> "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
> "Twelve thirty."
>
> ***************************************************
>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the
> street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and
> said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
> Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
> hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
> The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got
> a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
>
>
>
> **************************************************
>
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
> and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
> After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly,
> "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis." |
onlooker
| | Posted on Monday, January 17, 2005 - 01:21 pm: |
|
...Sometimes all you can do is shake your head....
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of
the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
the law"
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations
that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but
they take them off."
-- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused
the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and
simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex
social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land,
and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising
event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting
to quote the line: "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".)
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
* Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Monday, January 17, 2005 - 04:13 pm: |
|
Yorkshire (UK) police were jolted from their routine of traffic radar when they apparently began clocking a speeder at 300 mph. It proved to be no malfunction as a low-flying Harrier Jet screamed overhead a few seconds later.
When Police officials registered a complaint with the Ministry of Defense about their damaged equpment, the MOD only replied that the damage could have been worse. Much worse.
It seems the Harrier's defense systems had locked onto the radar and had gone into an automatic preemptive strike mode which included locking its missile guidance system onto the radar target, before the pilot decided enemy antiaircraft activity was unlikely along the motorways of northern England..... |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 18, 2005 - 08:01 pm: |
|
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only b)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a)yes
(b)no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify* |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 08:07 pm: |
|
Actual signs
At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-Sisters of Mercy"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car." |
homeontherange
| | Posted on Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 05:02 pm: |
|
Words To Live By
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is re search.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo..
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. |
homeontherange
Unregistered guest
Posted From: 4.159.44.59
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 25, 2005 - 06:36 pm: |
|
15 Famous Sports Quotes
1. 1992--Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. 1987--Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. 1982--Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. 1996--Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. 1981--Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:
"He wants Texas back."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. 1966--Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning:
"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. 1981--Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts, after the team's cocaptain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis:
"I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. 1991--Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. 1986--Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. 1991--Alan Kulwicki, stock-car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:
"It's basically the same, just darker."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. 1996--Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:
"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. 1991--Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers:
"He said, 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. 1986--LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children:
"They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. 1991--Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you: Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, " 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. 1991--Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." |
homeontherange
Regular Poster
Username: homeontherange
Post Number: 37
Registered: 09-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 07:48 pm: |
|
More Signs
Sign at a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet--miss a car payment
On an electrician's trunk:
Let us remove your shorts
On a maternity room door:
"PUSH, PUSH, PUSH"
Optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
On a fence:
Salesmen welcome--dog food is expensive
Music library:
Bach in a minuet
Muffler shop:
No appointment necessary--we'll hear you coming
Podiatrist's window:
Time wounds all heels
Maternity clothes shop:
We are open on labor day
In Urbana, Illinois:
NO PARKING ON THE SIDE OF VILLAGE STREETS WITH EVEN ADDRESSES ON ODD NUMBERED DAYS OR ODD NUMBERED ADDRESSES ON EVEN NUMBERED DAYS EXCEPT AS OTHERWISE DESIGNATED. A DAY BEGINS AT 6 PM THE PRECEDING DAY.
Near APO San Francisco:
EXIT 38 -- Goodwill Rd.-- Ammunition Plant 1 Mile |
onlooker
Pro Poster
Username: onlooker
Post Number: 64
Registered: 09-2002
| | Posted on Friday, January 28, 2005 - 08:12 am: |
|
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and
looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come on up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a
drink from the river.The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check out this pot smoking monkey so he walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you, monkey!"
The Monkey looks down and says "SHITTTTTTTT dude....... how much water did you drink?" |
homeontherange
Regular Poster
Username: homeontherange
Post Number: 38
Registered: 09-2004
| | Posted on Friday, January 28, 2005 - 07:33 pm: |
|
More Deep Thoughts
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
Minds are like parachutes. They work best when open. Just make sure the strings are still attached.
I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
Just because you're smart does not mean the other guy is stupid.
If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?
Young at heart--slightly older in other places.
We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Having an out-of-body experience. Back in five.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen all at once.
If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
Do unto others, then run.--Benny Hill
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the tiny mind.
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.--Carrie Fisher
We are not human doings; rather, we are human beings.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.--Lily Tomlin
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the queen.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a plant manager.
I am woman. I am invincible. I am tired.
My reality check bounced.
I get plenty of exercise--jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
The truth is out there. So what are you doing here?!
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You are here: X.
There's no speed limit on the information superhighway.
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.--Buckaroo Bonzai
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
Men don't roar; women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.--Bill Murray [actually much older, I think]
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority!
Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
And last but not least, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
webman
Moderator
Username: webman
Post Number: 467
Registered: 11-1999
| | Posted on Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 09:48 am: |
|
Priceless
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and
notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "son...
what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
Credit Bassman for this one. |
homeontherange
Regular Poster
Username: homeontherange
Post Number: 40
Registered: 09-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 05:00 pm: |
|
Hey webman/Bassman, that one is priceless! I think you should sell it to Mastercard. |
homeontherange
Regular Poster
Username: homeontherange
Post Number: 42
Registered: 09-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 06:14 pm: |
|
Subject: 1950s Home Ec--The Good Old Days
The following is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended to teach high school girls how to prepare for married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair, or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Now the updated version for the '21st century woman:
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice-mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the Lancome counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at Grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm, fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word..
9. Make the evening his: A chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does. |
skipper
Regular Poster
Username: skipper
Post Number: 13
Registered: 11-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 06:39 pm: |
|
I think that should be taught in schools now...no? |
homeontherange
Regular Poster
Username: homeontherange
Post Number: 43
Registered: 09-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, January 30, 2005 - 05:13 pm: |
|
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening (creator of "The Simpsons")
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullethead, Godzilla, Peanuthead and Useless.
EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in 20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys them. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer, then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." |
Torggy
Unregistered guest
Posted From: 66.147.198.107
| | Posted on Sunday, January 30, 2005 - 09:02 pm: |
|
Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...
60� Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).
50� Miami residents turn on the heat.
40� You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
35� Italian cars don't start.
32� Water freezes.
30� You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.
25� Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
20� You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
15� French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10� Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5� You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0� Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10� German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15� You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20� Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25� Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30� You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start.
-40� Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters,
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50� Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80� Hell freezes over, Polar bears move south.
-90� Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. |
onlooker
Pro Poster
Username: onlooker
Post Number: 66
Registered: 09-2002
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 01:20 pm: |
|
A guy goes into a diner every day for close to ten years and does the same thing each time. Sit's down, picks up the menu, looks at it briefly and, and tells the waitress, invariably, "I'd like some Ham and Eggs please."
One day a new waitress starts working at the diner and quickly notices the customers continuous pattern. She asks one of the other waitresses, "What's up with that guy? Every day he comes in here at the same time and looks at the menu but never orders anything but Ham and Eggs... Isn't that strange?"
"Oh, that guy has been coming here for years... He'll never change and he's really no harm... Don't let it bother you."
Nonetheless, the new waitress begins to get irritated by the man's compulsive behavior and resolves that she's going to get him to order something else. Each day when the guy comes in and orders the Ham and Eggs she counters by recommending specials of the day, other dishes on the menu, etc., but to no avail. Each time the man's response is "No thanks, I'll just have the Ham and Eggs..."
Finally the waitress' frustration reaches it's peak. When she see's the guy come in one morning, before she hands him his menu she takes out a permanent marker and scratches out "Ham and Eggs" on the menu.
She brings the menu over to the guy and stands there for a second with a smug smile as he reads it.
Finally she says, "You know I just scratched what you like best..."
"Fine," the guy replies, "then go in the back, wash your damn hands, and bring me some Ham and Eggs!!!" |
twoz
Regular Poster
Username: twoz
Post Number: 22
Registered: 09-2002
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 03:02 pm: |
|
HA HA HA, DOM SHOULD LIKE THAT ONE.
I ALSO FINALLY SAW THE PICTURE FROM DEC. FROM SKIP. ANYBODY GOT A MATCH. |
homeontherange
Regular Poster
Username: homeontherange
Post Number: 44
Registered: 09-2004
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 10:14 pm: |
|
OhmyGod, what would happen if he hiccuped or sneezed? A fire breathing dragon! |
homeontherange
Regular Poster
Username: homeontherange
Post Number: 45
Registered: 09-2004
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 10:43 pm: |
|
DID YOU KNOW THIS?
1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
2. Every day more money is printed by Parker Brothers than printed by the U.S. Treasury.
3. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better than men.
4. Coca-Cola was originally green.
5. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
6. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska!
7. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
8. (Now get this� ) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of 11: $6,400
10. The average number of people airborne over the U.S. any given hour: 61,000.
11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair than the rest of us.
12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
15. Those San Francisco Cable Cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = King David, Hearts = Charlemagne, Clubs = Alexander, the Great, Diamonds = Julius Caesar
17. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th; John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
20. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
21. Hershey's Kisses are called that, because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
22. What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception.
23. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace.
24. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession
25. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you find the name of a number that contains the letter A? One thousand.
26. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All were invented by women.
27. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Honey.
28. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? Father's Day
29. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
30. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
AND FINALLY At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. |
onlooker
Pro Poster
Username: onlooker
Post Number: 67
Registered: 09-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2005 - 07:32 am: |
|
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
The results of this study are pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. |
bassman
Moderator
Username: bassman
Post Number: 360
Registered: 10-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 01, 2005 - 08:25 pm: |
|
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth I asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly,"...all moms know this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH....I get It!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy." |
nightrider
Regular Poster
Username: nightrider
Post Number: 6
Registered: 09-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 02, 2005 - 11:59 am: |
|
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape, from playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at
6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine, that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the h*ll would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*&^ too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the b*tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal
or a vasectomy |
|
Two Harbors ForumBulletin Board Archive
Archives 
Last
